7 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Having Sex

7 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Having Sex


Having sex is a big deal. It changes a relationship and it changes you. It’s something you need to think about and plan for before you’re in the moment. If it comes up, how will you respond? Are you ready, or should you wait? Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to have sex. And if you’ve had sex, it doesn’t mean you have to again.

Here are 7 questions to ask yourself before having sex.

Are you feeling pressure to have sex?

It might be your partner or it might be the feeling that all your friends are having sex and you don’t want to be left behind. Standing up for yourself can be hard, but knowing who you are and what your boundaries are ahead of time can help you have the strength to make the decisions that are going to be best for you. You’re value and worth don’t depend on whether or not you are having sex, they come from you just being you. Not sure what to say or how to stand up for yourself, we’d love to talk with you and help.

Are you afraid you might lose your partner if you don’t have sex?

If your partner doesn’t love you enough to respect your boundaries and decisions, having sex isn’t going to keep them around. You deserve someone who values you for you, not what you can give them and you should never have to do something you don’t want to do or aren’t comfortable doing to keep them.

Are you going to regret this later?

Those voices in your head, listen to them. If you’re uncomfortable, scared, or think you might feel guilty afterwards it’s okay to say no. Sex is meant to be a beautiful thing, not something you regret having too soon or in ways you aren’t comfortable with. You should be the one making the decisions and those decisions need to be ones you can live with, regret free.

Do you both know what you need to about preventing unexpected pregnancy and STDs?

If you decide to have sex there is a chance you can find yourself facing an unexpected pregnancy or catching a STD. Be sure you have all the information you need about STDs before making a decision. You deserve to know the facts before you put yourself at risk. If you have questions, we have several blogs and we’re available in the office to answer your questions.

Is my partner really ready?

Sometimes your partner will push you to have sex even if they aren’t sure they are ready themselves. They may think it is what you want, or they may be feeling the pressure from their friends. Talking with your partner about it may reveal they aren’t feeling ready themselves.

Does this line up with who I am and what I value?

Everyone has values that help them make decisions and that shape who they are and who they want to be as a person. In life we are confronted with decisions daily that force us to choose between those things we value and the alternatives. To stay true to who we are as a person, you must stay true to your values. If you value honesty, you’re going to be faced with the decision of being honest or telling a lie. If you value waiting to have sex until you’re married, you will be faced with that decision. In the end, being true to you, to your values will help you avoid those feelings of regret.

Are you in control?

Have you been drinking or are you under the influence of something else? Beer goggles are real. It’s hard to be in control and to make good decisions when you’re drunk, and this is one you want to make with a clear mind. Skip the sex for now and wait until you’re in control and won’t have regrets.


This is a big decision, one you have to make for yourself. But, we think these 6 questions will help you make the decision that is best for you, a decision you can live with.

We’d love to hear what you think. Are there other questions you should ask before making the decision to have sex?

There are 16 comments .


I’m a teen and I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for 8 months,we are both virgins and he thinks that he’s ready to have sex and I’m not so I told him that I can’t do it,not now.I feel like I’m pushing him away.A part of me says that I should do it but I all think of the negative consequences

Reply »

    First of all, let me say how great it is that you are taking time to consider your future and potential realities involved with expressing yourself sexually! I actually think it’s great that you want to wait and I know that any guy worth keeping around will be willing to respect you and wait too. After all, if you’re with someone who cannot respect your boundaries, you deserve to ask yourself, is this someone I really want to be with?

    Sexual expression comes with all sorts of realities that affect our health emotionally, relationally and also physically. I know that waiting can be hard, but it’s one way to really shift the focus of the relationship from physical intimacy to relational intimacy – investing in a happy/healthy friendship. And in order to stand the test of time, it’s really important to take time to develop that kind of foundation.

    So you go girl! My advice is that you try to find mutual interests with your boyfriend, set some healthy boundaries & goals together, then have a ton of FUN learning about each other. Are you a movie buff? A thrill-seeker? Where do you see yourself 10 years down the road? Start dreaming! Get creative and try some activities you both enjoy… after all, there are many ways to try new things and “spice up” your relationship without engaging in sexual intimacy. A healthy relationship is one where both people are pushing the other to be better versions of themselves, rather than asking them to give up a piece of who they are.

    So I hope that helps. Enjoy your relationship adventure, and please know if you or a friend ever need someone to talk to or want to schedule an appointment, you know who you can call…US 🙂


    Reply »
Israel —

My Girl Friend Feels She Is Ready For Sex..But I Dont Feel Safe To Have It With Her Cause We Are Both Virgins

Reply »

    Hey Israel, I think it’s great you’re considering how big the decision to have sex is, especially since both of you are virgins. The most important thing you expressed is that you, “Don’t Feel Safe…” and this is key! So props to you for being honest and vulnerable with yourself and in your message to us!

    Romantic relationships with sexual expressions can be an incredible thing when we care for it well by committing to a long-term mutual (monogamous) relationship or a marriage commitment. With that in mind, I’d encourage you to consider initiating honest communication by first asking yourself why you don’t feel safe. Then communicating with her about how you’re feeling regarding sex right now and it might be helpful to also discuss dreams you two have as individuals and as a couple, If you haven’t already. This could help you consider the realities together that both of you might face if sex becomes a part of your relationship right now. Some realities might include ranges of emotions (positive or negative), a pregnancy or STD(s), surrounding relationships might be affected by it down the road (families, friends, etc.), and/or challenges achieving your dreams/goals in life if any of these things became a reality. Then, if you still find yourself not ready, but she still feels ready, this may end up creating unintentional pressure for one to compromise and/or for the other to hold back when they feel ready to move forward. That being said, it might be wise to reconsider the relationship at that point. I mean, it’s not like you’re compromising on pizza toppings. These are big things.

    I think it’s great that you’re seeking advice and help! Ultimately what you’re doing now is shaping your future by pausing and thinking things through, when it could be easy to do it without considering the realities. Keep striving for greatness!

    A Collage team member

    Reply »
Mia —

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 years, both virgins but he want to have sex with me and says it will bring our relationship closer because we have been off for a long time and I found out last year he and a girl been talking. I don’t want to just have sex because it’s sex, I want to save myself for the man who God saved for me, and I’m not sure if this guy is the one for me. He said if I’m not going to do it, at a time he will start looking for a other girl to sleep with him, because he is a man and a man wants it.. What should I do????? Please help

Reply »

    Hi Mia. I’m so glad you reached out to us!

    First of all, I applaud your choice to save yourself for the man God has for you. I think you’re wise to guard the gift of your sexuality. If you’re not sure he’s the man for you then there’s no harm in waiting. It sounds like he might not be 100% invested in your relationship if he’s been talking to another girl and willing to move on if you don’t sleep with him.

    Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, honesty, and support. Ask yourself if your relationship is aligning with these healthy qualities. If he’s willing to disregard your feelings, opinions, and desires for his pleasure in this one situation, won’t he be willing to do so in the future? If he’s not willing to respect your boundaries, he’s saying his desires are more important than yours. Love doesn’t take from another, it seeks to give. So doing something you don’t want to do will not bring your relationship closer, it will likely put a wedge in your relationship. Bottom line…are you willing to compromise your own beliefs for his benefit? Will you respect yourself after the fact? Remember, you really do deserve the best!

    I hope this gives you some food for thought.

    Reply »
Treasure —

Please, apart from playing with my bf organ cos we can’t have sex am a virgin… Is there any way I can make him derive pleasure?

Reply »

    Hello Treasure! I love your name 🙂

    We’re so glad you reached out to us.

    From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you’re hoping not to cross certain boundaries you’ve set for yourself. Boundaries are a good thing because, without them, we tend to give in more easily to things we may not want for our lives.

    It also sounds like you care about your boyfriend and want to show him this. There are many ways to show love and care for our partners than just through being physical with them. And to be honest, healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, kindness, and patience. You deserve to be with someone who will value your thoughts, feelings and love you for who YOU are and not for what you will do for them physically.

    I’d challenge you to think of other ways that you can show love to your boyfriend other than just physically. What are some other ways that make your boyfriend feel loved? Does he like it when you affirm or compliment him? Does he like it when you do little things for him like making a meal? Does he like receiving gifts? Does he like spending uninterrupted quality time with you? Here is a link to a blog that you may find helpful as you think about these things

    I hope this helps give you some direction. You deserve the very best!


    Reply »
Elsa —

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months now and I told him before I got into the relationship that I’m not ready for sex and he said ok.But he’s now asking for sex just 2 months after and he’s acting up which shows he wants a break up should I give in or?

Reply »

    Hi Elsa. 🙂

    I’m glad you reached out for some advice! It sounds like you know that you’re not ready to be sexually intimate with your boyfriend and that’s okay. I think that’s smart! Two months is not that long to date someone. Being sexually active comes with possible consequences when you aren’t in a long term monogamous relationship: STDs, pregnancy, single parenthood, increased depression and decreased happiness to name a few. This is a question we get so often. Here is a link that might be helpful: If you scroll down on that post you can read the questions/responses from others in similar situations.

    It can be confusing and heartbreaking when the person you’re dating doesn’t respect your boundaries. If you’re feeling pressured to do something you don’t want to do then you might want to think about getting out of the relationship. Building a healthy relationship takes time. Give yourself that time to grow as a couple in these qualities … trust, honesty, respect and good communication. You deserve someone who will respect you for who you are, not what you will give him.

    I hope this helps! You’re worth waiting for Elsa!

    Reply »
Mj Ella —

My boyfriend always have sex with me and each time he is having sex with me I tell him that I am tried,he will not stop but continue having sex with me
If I try to stop him, he will get angry and leave me on the bed and go
He will not talk to me for weeks
Yesterday we had sex 3times and when he wants to do the fourth one I told him that I am tried
He left me and go
He was very angry with me that he has not even call me
Since morning.
I am tried of being in this relationship
I don’t know what to do again
I love him but believe that I must been having sex with him anytime he wants it
To prove my love for him

Reply »

    Hi, thanks for writing in!

    It’s understandable that you don’t want to lose this boyfriend – none of us likes to feel rejected. And it could feel that way. But if he’s pressuring you or disrespecting you if you don’t have sex with him, he isn’t really rejecting you; he’s just selfishly wanting what he wants. And you deserve a better relationship than that! Maybe you could see this as you rejecting a relationship that isn’t respectful and healthy. You are so valuable, and your happiness is important! Are you going to be really happy if you go against your own values and feelings? You deserve more!!

    Reply »
Lupupa —

I was having trouble deciding whether or not I should have sex with my boyfriend, am a virgin and he’s not, I told him before we started dating that I want to wait till marriage, he agreed but lately I’ve been feeling like he misses having it, he hasn’t mentioned it and or tried to make me feel guilty. Am glad I came across this cause now I’ll nature my relationship based on the qualities of a healthy relationship, maybe one day I’ll feel like am it’s okay to go ahead and have sex with him but for now I’ll wait. I appreciate you for putting out such information.

Reply »

    Hi Lupupa 🙂

    I’m glad you found this blog helpful! The fact that your boyfriend isn’t pressuring you into doing something that goes against the boundaries you’ve put in place for your relationships says a lot about him. It also shows that he respects you and values your relationship.

    Don’t settle for anyone who tries to get you to go against the goals and dreams you’ve set for yourself. You deserve the absolute best Lupupa!

    Reply »
jasper —

my boyfriend wants some nudes of me and I said no then he asked if we could have sex and I don’t feel safe doing that what should I do?

Reply »

    Hi Jasper,

    I applaud the boundaries you have set for yourself! It shows you value yourself and your future. I sense a bit of a struggle in your question though. It’s alright to say no to your boyfriend, especially when he’s asking you to do things that could have negative consequences. Focusing on developing trust, communication and friendship in your relationship will be a long lasting investment. If he continues to ask you to do something you’ve told him you don’t want to do, then he values what he wants more than you. This is a huge red flag! Stick to your guns!

    I’ve included a couple of blog posts that I’d encourage you to read, especially the one on sexting. You may find them helpful.

    I wish you all the best Jasper,

    Reply »

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