I Don’t Want To Lose Him

Dear Collage,
My boyfriend and I have been dating a while now. He’s really sweet and in a lot of ways, he treats me like a queen. I know he loves me. And I really do love him. He wants to have sex, but I don’t feel ready. I think sex is a big deal, and I think I might want to wait until I’m married. He says he understands that I’m not ready, but he also says that he’s proven he loves me by treating me like a queen – buying me stuff and watching movies I want to watch or hanging out with my friends when I want us to. He says this is the only thing he’s asking of me and if I really loved him, I’d want him to be happy. I know he’s getting frustrated. He has needs and I’m not meeting those needs. I’m afraid that if I don’t have sex with him soon, he’s going to break up with me and find someone who will. I mean, I love him and I want a future with him. If I’m going to have sex with him eventually, maybe I should go ahead and have sex with him now so he won’t leave me. What should I do?

We receive a lot of messages that sound like this. So if you’re in this situation, you definitely aren’t alone. That’s important for you to know — you aren’t the only one.

If this is your situation, we want to encourage you and help you as you make a decision about what’s best for you.

First, it’s wonderful if you and your boyfriend are having conversations about sex. Being able to honestly communicate about physical intimacy is very important in a relationship. It sounds like you’re not shying away from talking about the tough stuff, so that’s really something to be proud of!

Next, it’s also really great that you’re pausing to think about what you want and how sex impacts a relationship and your future. It sounds like you’re considering your values and wanting to make choices that are true to your own values. That’s wonderful!

If you feel like you aren’t ready for sex or if any part of you really wants to wait until you’re married, then you aren’t ready. And that’s OK! Even if you’ve been dating a really long time, it’s OK to feel like you aren’t ready or to feel like you want to wait. You’re right; sex is a big deal, and it’s wise to wait until you’re really ready or until you’re fully committed to each other in marriage. If that’s how you feel, you have every right to feel that way. And you deserve to have those values and those boundaries respected.

If you can say that your boyfriend treats you like a queen, but what does that mean? If he isn’t respecting your boundaries and your values, then he isn’t treating you like a queen. If he’s buying you gifts, watching movies you want to watch, and hanging with your friends so that he can use that as leverage to pressure you into having sex, then he isn’t treating you like a queen. He’s manipulating you. And that isn’t how real love works.

Your boyfriend may say he has needs and that he wants you to meet those needs. But you have needs as well – the need to be respected and honored and truly loved. And if he’s pressuring you to have sex or making threats that he’ll find another girl who will have sex with him, then he isn’t meeting your needs.

It’s understandable that you don’t want to lose this boyfriend – none of us likes to feel rejected. And it could feel that way. But if he’s pressuring you or threatening to leave you if you don’t have sex with him, he isn’t really rejecting you; he’s just selfishly wanting what he wants. And you deserve a better relationship than that. Maybe you could see this as you rejecting a relationship that isn’t respectful and healthy. You are so valuable, and your happiness is important. Are you going to be really happy if you go against your own values or give in to pressure to do something you’re not ready for?

When you’re really ready – when the time is right – you won’t feel pressured and you won’t be motivated by fear of losing someone. You’ll be motivated by true love – patient and gentle and selfless. And the right person won’t threaten to leave you if he doesn’t get his way. He won’t give you things and then hold it over your head to get what he wants. He won’t make you feel like his kindnesses to you are in exchange for sex.

Hold out for the right time and the right person. You’re worth it!

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