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I’m Not Ready For Sex, But He Is

I'm Not Ready for Sex, But He Is

Dear Collage,

I’m not ready. Yet. We’ve been dating for several months, longer than most of our friends and some of them are, but I don’t think I’m ready. It’s not that I don’t love him, I’m just not ready for sex and he is. How do I handle this?

Thanks,

 Not Ready

 

Dear Not Ready,

Your situation is one many young women struggle with. They are trying to figure out how they feel about their guy, what their relationship is, and where it might go. For most, it’s not just about whether or not to have sex; it’s about who they are and who they want to be. It’s about not only the present, but also the future. As they sit and talk about their questions and what they are thinking and feeling, it’s amazing how they find the answers as they talk it out.

So, let’s talk. We’re not holding back on this because it’s an important topic and we think you alone should make this decision for you. Here are a few questions for you to think about.

What’s the status of your relationship in general?

You mentioned that you’ve been dating for several months, but how long you’ve been in a relationship isn’t a gage on how serious the relationship is. There are several things to factor in as you evaluate your relationship. Things like the level of trust, how well you communicate, and a respect for each other are better measurements of the status of a relationship that time passed. As for sex, well that doesn’t necessary make for a deeper, more intimate relationship either. Sure, sexual intimacy, in the right context, can strengthen a relationship. But if you engage in sex too early it can also do considerable harm to your relationship. Physical intimacy can replace emotional intimacy, stunting the growth of the relationship and causing a great deal of pain and frustration as a result of unmet expectations.

Have you clearly communicated your boundaries?

Does he know how you feel and where your comfort zone ends? Sometimes you just have to be blunt and let him know what you are comfortable with, just tell him you’re not ready for sex. It’s always best to have this conversation and set your boundaries before you are in a situation where they are being pushed. Let him know where you stand and what will happen if he pushes you. What is his reaction? Sure he might say all the right things, but what does he do? Is he respectful, staying clear of those boundaries, or does he keep pushing to see how close he can get, or if he can get past them? You’ll be amazed how much more respect you’ll have for your guy when he knows your limits and doesn’t push the boundaries.

Is he manipulating you to guilt you into sex?

“I love you so much, and if you love me as much as I love you, you’d want to have sex.” If he says anything that remotely resembles that sentence it’s probably time to start rethinking this relationship. If he loved you as much as he says he does, he would respect the boundaries you have set. Clearly that’s not the case and he just demonstrated he cares way more about himself than you. You deserve someone who puts you first.

Are you afraid he will leave or cheat?

If the thought that he might break up with you if you don’t have sex has crossed your mind, you’re not alone. Many women worry that if they don’t give in and have sex the guy will leave, or worse cheat on her. If this is something that you’re worried about, than you may want to revisit our first question about the status of the relationship. This is a sign of a lack of trust and respect for your boundaries

Do you need to end the relationship?

If he keeps pushing after you’ve been clear you’re not ready for sex it may be time to end things. You may realize he doesn’t respect you and is more concerned with his physical needs than your emotional needs and decide to break up. He may realize that he’s not going to get what he wants and he may end it. After several months together, no matter how it ends it will hurt. But hopefully you can take some comfort in knowing that ending it now is a lot less painful than being in a long term relationship with someone who doesn’t respect and honor you, and who constantly pushes you to do things you’re not ready for.

Do you need someone to talk this through with?

If you’re in this situation and want to talk with someone, we’d love to invite you to come to Collage and meet with one of our staff. They will help you work through these and any other questions you may have. In the end, our goal is to help you make the best decision for you, not what someone else wants for you. Because in the end, the decision whether or not to have sex should always be yours.

There are 20 comments .

Annah —

I love my boyfriend and he want to have sex with me but I’m not ready,we are both in grade 12.So I’m afraid to lose him,we have 4 years dating. Please help me I don’t want to lose him!

Reply »
    CollageCenter

    Hi Annah,
    It says so much about you that reached out to us with your question! Good job listening to that voice inside! Now, just keep listening to it. It’s telling you that you’re not ready, and that’s ok!!! If your boyfriend truly loves you, he’ll wait, because that’s what love does. You deserve someone who will love you for you, not for what you’ll do for him!!

    Take a look at these other blogs. I think they’ll reinforce what you’re already thinking deep down inside… https://collagecenter.com/is-it-love-or-is-it-infatuation/ and https://collagecenter.com/do-healthy-relationship/

    Annah, there’s no way to know if you’ll lose him, even if you do have sex. You have to do what’s best for YOU!! You have such incredible value and worth! Wait for that special guy who will see that and respect you.

    Don’t give up! We believe in you!!

    Reply »
Aakira —

Hye I am not ready to do sex with my bf but when 1st tym he ask me for doing sex I refuse but from.that tym he start convincing me and 1 day I said that ok I will but I really so afraid I am not ready then I start giving excuse to him then he said if u re not ready then u should say no early for this but I say yes because he said everything depends on u whatever I do is ony for your happiness u even not do this for me I really sp depressed what I do know

Reply »
    CollageCenter

    Hi Aakira,
    Thanks for writing! I think it’s great that you and your boyfriend are taking time to talk about the subject of sex and thinking about how this might affect your future.

    It sounds to me like you may not be ready for this step in your relationship yet, and that’s ok! Before having sex with anyone, I’d suggest waiting until you’ve taken plenty of time to build both trust and commitment with the right person. Trust can be built over a long period of time in a mutually monogamous relationship — where the focus is less on physical intimacy and more on building a healthy foundation of love, respect and friendship. Hopefully, when the “right one” comes along, you’ll be able to see a future with him and will know when you’re fully ready to be in that kind of intimate relationship. Sex is an incredible gift, and it’s helpful to build a great friendship first, to see if you both have the same dreams & goals before you decide if the two of you will stand the test of time.

    You’re SO valuable Aakira! And your happiness really does matter. So I’d encourage you to make sure that you’re 100% ready to have sex before you give yourself to another person in that way. When the time is right, it shouldn’t take any convincing, shouldn’t involve fear, and should contain no pressure, or regret. Make decisions today that you can be proud of. Make choices that will protect you not only physically, but also emotionally, relationally and even spiritually. After all, the decisions you make today will determine your future. Any guy worth keeping around will love and respect you enough to honor your boundaries and wait.

    Don’t forget! You deserve the best!

    Michelle
    Client Advocate

    Reply »
Becky —

Iam Becky and my boyfriend wants us to have a kid and i feel that am not ready yet. I love him so much .I don wanna lose him .What will i do.Should i let him go?

Reply »
    CollageCenter

    Hi Becky, thanks so much for taking the time to write us! Having children is a big deal and I’m proud of you for taking time to slow down enough to consider your future and potential realities involved with starting a family. I actually have five kids myself and they’re wonderful, but I also know how much time, energy, sacrifice, and commitment it takes to raise them. So I’d encourage you to invest some time and start talking with your boyfriend about your future, in order to see if you’re both headed in the same direction.

    A healthy relationship is built on friendship, trust, honor, and dedication. It’s something that’s made strong over the years and should stand the test of time. Relationships take a lot of work and communication. It’s important to talk through your dreams and goals together. Where will we be in 5 years? How about 10 years? I believe any guy worth keeping around will be willing to respect your desire to wait to have kids until the time is right for both of you.

    A healthy relationship is also where both people are pushing the other to be better versions of themselves, rather than asking them to give up a piece of who they are. In order to love someone well, you must be willing to respect their boundaries and protect their heart. If your boyfriend is able to do this, then waiting to start a family will be as natural as waiting for any other major decision in life, like when to buy a home, or start a new career. But if he’s unable (or unwilling) to value your choices, then it might be best to consider moving on from the relationship and let him go. I know that sounds difficult, but it’s better to find out these things early on, rather than investing many years together, only to find out you’re heading in different directions.

    So I hope that helps. You’re wise to consider these things and talk about them early on in your romantic relationship, so good job! Good luck…I wish you the very best for your future!

    Michelle

    Reply »
Grace —

I’m dating someone without the label and we have a three year age difference. Hence why we’re not official. We’ve only been “dating” for s few days and hes already back tracked and called me his girlfriend, I’m confused as to where we stand in the relationship! We have a long distance relationship and on a phone call he wanted to be sexual, but in all honesty he’s moving way too fast than what Im ready for. He’s already lost his virginity yet I haven’t so I’m afraid it will mean a lot less to him then it will to me.

Reply »
    CollageCenter

    Hi Grace,
    We’re so glad you care enough about yourself to reach out for a little support! We can tell that you’re a bright girl who really wants what’s best for yourself. So even though it’s hard, listen to that voice inside you! It sounds like that voice is telling you that you want someone who won’t push you into something you’re not ready for and who will love you the way you want to be loved. And you absolutely deserve that Grace! The most meaningful relationships are those with mutual respect and a deep amount of trust. That takes time to develop. If he really does love you and want to build a relationship with you, he won’t allow you to be confused with where you stand with him. If he doesn’t, then you get the opportunity to invest in another relationship with someone who will. We think you’re awesome!!

    Reply »
Jenna —

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months. We’re both 15 years old, and we’ve known each other for 1 year. Before we dated and even now, we were and are best friends. He’s easy to talk to and I haven’t been this happy in awhile. I really like him and really like being with him, and I value our time together. Lately though, we’ve been engaging in some sexual things, but haven’t had intercourse. And at times, I don’t really want to do these sexual things with him. He almost acts like a different person, and I had even told him before that I want to do these things with him, but not all the time. He had respected that and i thought things would be a little different, but he still did some things like that to me, even when I had said I was tired. When I had said wait, he stopped, and I know he isn’t trying to take advantage of me, but since I’m quite new to these types of things, I feel I’m not ready and that these things are being a little rushed in our relationship. I’m scared if I tell him this, he might get bored with me and leave me. My question is, does it mean I don’t like him if I don’t want to do these sexual things with him? And what should I say to him to let him know I’m not ready for these things without hurting his feelings?

Reply »
    CollageCenter

    Hi Jenna,

    Thanks so much for reaching out with your questions. You did a great job of explaining your feelings and your situation.

    I wish I could sit down with you face-to-face and tell you how incredible you are!!! It’s really thoughtful of you not to want to hurt your boyfriend’s feelings, but, bottom line, he’s responsible for his feelings, not you. You have absolutely every right in the world to tell him what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. You deserve someone who will respect you for who you are, not what you’ll do. Healthy relationships have boundaries and that doesn’t mean you don’t like him. It means that you respect yourself enough to want what’s best for you!

    Here are a couple links to other blogs that might help you see how incredibly valuable you are and how importance it is for you to listen to that voice inside you!

    https://collagecenter.com/is-it-love-or-is-it-infatuation/
    https://collagecenter.com/do-healthy-relationship/

    You’re doing great girl! I believe in you!!

    Gaye

    Reply »
Lisa —

Hai there!

My name is lisa and my boyfriend and i have been dating for around 5 months now. I told him that i want to have sex only when im married but he keeps saying how he’s hurting everyday because of it which, is making me very guilty. However he does not want to leave me either. If i leave we would both get hurt, if i stay he said he would get hurt and that i would have to live with the hurt for 2 years. (2 years meaning till our graduation.. he does not want long distance so we are ending it). I really dont want to lose him but i dont want to hurt him either because i would not have sex. Is this really my fault? i really do love him but he keeps on saying that he has needs and that i dont love him enough because i wouldnt do it. Im so confused and frustrated and sad i dont know what to do. Please help me

Reply »
    CollageCenter

    Hi Lisa,

    We love your heart in that you don’t want to hurt your boyfriend. Our hearts hurt for you that you’re having to walk through this. It’s never easy, BUT, there is a way through it and that’s to respect and love YOURSELF enough to stand by your convictions. He may have needs, but YOU have needs as well and it sounds like you want to be loved for who you are and not what you’ll do. If he really does care about you, he’ll wait. If not, he’s not the guy you deserve. You deserve more. The best relationships, those that stand the test of time and storms, are those that are based on mutual trust, respect, patience and self-control.

    And please know, you’re not alone in your struggle. Lots of girls feel the same pressure, in fact, if you haven’t already, take a look and the questions and answers on this blog. Our hope is that they would strengthen and encourage you as well. Don’t give up Lisa! We can tell you’re an incredible girl and have huge potential!

    Gaye

    Reply »
Diamond —

Hi,i’m Diamond and i would like a little advice.My bf is 3 years older than me.He is sweet and nice.We have been dating since July 11,2018.He has already told me he love me.He is really sweet.One day we were on the phone and he said he sees me in his future.He told me that if my mom didn’t approve he would wait for me.I was my BFF house and she asked me how many kids i wanted.He was on the phone with me at the time.I said 0.He said i want a boy/girl/twins.I said by who?He said you.He recently went thru some tough stuff with an ex and he has trust issues.But he is a virgin and i am also a virgin.He said he could’ve been lost it.I asked him why he didn’t he said i wanted to loose it to another virgin.Then he said my gf(reffering to me)is a virgin soo…I said o ion plan on having sex till like 28.Then he went on about how he was finna tell me about sex.I didn’t want to hear it.I felt like it was gross and nasty.He wasn’t rushing me or anything.He told me well whenever u feel comfortable u can do what u want.He said because it’s your body.I want to be a vet and go to auburn i wanna finish school with at least a 3.85 GPA.I already knoe where i want to live when i leave college.The job i will have will be able to pay for my big dream house i did all the research and math for the money.I want to be successful in life.You knoe not having to ask anybody for anything i would be set.All Im wondering is…is he going to help me in life or bring me down.

Reply »
    CollageCenter

    Hi Diamond,
    We’re so glad you care enough about yourself to reach out for a little advice! We can tell that you’re a bright girl who really has lots of hopes and dreams for herself. I know it can be confusing at times but listen to that voice inside you! It sounds like that voice is telling you that you want someone who won’t push you into something you’re not ready for and who will love you the way you want to be loved. The best way to know if your boyfriend will help you reach your goals or bring you down is to develop a deep mutual respect that’s based on emotional intimacy, rather than physical intimacy. That takes time to develop. If he really does love you and want to build a relationship with you, he’ll stand by your convictions and push you to be the best version of you! If he doesn’t, then you get the opportunity to invest in another relationship with someone who will. And just so you know, we’re an animal loving team and we think anybody who wants to be a vet is totally awesome! Keep Dreaming Big girl 🙂

    Reply »
Kgothatso —

Hey,I’m 16 and my boyfriend is 20 and for the past few days we have talking about having sex but I don’t feel ready to be I itmate with. He goes on about the fact that we both want this but I mean we have been together for w months and I don’t know that much abput him,I have trust issues and my last boyfriend left me a few days after we had sex….please help me in trying to make my boyfriend understand the fact that I mayhave “popped the cherry” but I’m not ready to go down there with him

Reply »
    CollageCenter

    You are one discerning gal! I’m glad you reached out to us.

    I first want to say that I’m really sorry you got hurt by your last boyfriend. I know that kind of betrayal really hurts. In any relationship, you deserve a guy who wants to honor your desires. And in case you don’t realize it, you’re putting value on yourself and your relationship when you ask your boyfriend to wait. And that’s a good thing!! If you’re not ready to take this step, that’s OK!!

    Before having sex with anyone again, I’d suggest waiting until you’ve taken plenty of time to build both trust and commitment with the right person. Trust can be built over a long period of time in a mutually monogamous relationship — where the focus is less on physical intimacy and more on building a healthy foundation of love, respect and friendship. Hopefully, when the “right one” comes along, you’ll be able to see a future with him and will know when you’re fully ready to be in that kind of intimate relationship. It’s helpful to build a great friendship first, to see if you both have the same dreams & goals before you decide if the two of you will stand the test of time.

    You’re SO valuable! And your happiness really does matter! Make sure that you’re 100% ready to have sex before you give yourself to another person in that way. When the time is right, it shouldn’t take any convincing, shouldn’t involve fear, and should contain no pressure, or regret. Make decisions today that you can be proud of tomorrow. Make choices that will protect you, not only physically, but also emotionally, relationally and even spiritually. After all, the decisions you make today will determine your future. Any guy worth keeping around will love and respect you enough to honor your boundaries and wait.

    Don’t forget! You deserve the best!

    Reply »
Celeste —

Hello. Im 20 years old and I am not ready to have sex yet. I just got into my first relationship with a guy. We havent even been dating a month (talked for 2 months) and sex has already been brought up. Hes not a virgin (has only had sex once). I have told him that I am not ready yet and wont know when ill be (bc I really dont) but I had brought up the idea that what if we were 6 months down the line and we still have yet to do anything how would he react and he said he’d be fine with it but a little annoyed (which I guess is understandable). Sex is something that I dont take lightly and its not like im not comfortable with him because I am. Im also nervous and hesitant to do other things with him and idk how to tell him. I dont know what to do or say because every time I try to I feel like I sound stupid and selfish. Any advice?

Reply »
    CollageCenter

    Hi Celeste,

    We’re so glad you contacted us! Getting advice and feedback is important, especially when it involves something that’s significant to you. We want you to know that we think you’re pretty awesome – and pretty smart too, because like you said, sex isn’t something to take lightly.

    After we received your question, along with a couple others, we realized this is something that a lot of girls are dealing with so we decided to write a blog about it. We hope it will help you to realize that you’re not being selfish by setting boundaries for yourself. You deserve the best possible future and we believe you can get there!

    https://collagecenter.com/my-boyfriend-wants-to-have-sex-and-i-dont-think-im-ready/

    Reply »
Veronica —

So I’m kind of in a dilemma and I have no one to talk to about it. My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 8 months and everything’s going very well except…. sex. He asked me at first and I said I’d prefer to wait till marriage however I realized he thought the idea was stupid when he kept trying to talk me into it… until I finally said okay we’ll try. When we try for some reason we can’t and he always ends up blaming me for pushing away which might be true but I don’t know why I do that, I’m just scared and it hurts a lot. This has happened so many times and I always get yelled at for being my fault. I feel especially sad right now because he told me why can’t you just give me what I want… that’s all I’m asking you for and I don’t know why he doesn’t understand that I need time and I don’t know what to do he’s mad because I cry about it but I wish he knew that I’ve been going out of my comfort zone for him… what should I do?

Reply »
    CollageCenter

    Hi Veronica,

    Thanks for contacting us! We’re so glad you felt like you could talk to us about what’s going on.

    Your feelings are real and you don’t have to apologize to anyone for them. You deserve someone who will respect you for who you are and not what you’ll do for him. If you want to wait until you get married, you go girl! That’s awesome! I would venture to guess that you won’t regret that decision. And absolutely no one has the right to force himself on you so you feel like you have to push him away. That’s actually abusive because he’s going against your will. It could even be viewed as rape.

    So, take a deep breath, and take a fresh look at your relationship. If he can’t respect your boundaries then you have every right to totally call off the relationship. Compromising in this area isn’t like compromising on pizza toppings. The consequences are so much greater. You deserve the best Veronica and we believe that you’re worth it! Here’s a link to another blog that we just wrote that hopefully will help you too. As it says, keep listening to that inner voice! We think yours is pretty smart 🙂

    https://collagecenter.com/my-boyfriend-wants-to-have-sex-and-i-dont-think-im-ready/

    Reply »

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