I’m Not Ready For Sex, But He Is

I'm Not Ready for Sex, But He Is

Dear Collage,

I’m not ready. Yet. We’ve been dating for several months, longer than most of our friends and some of them are, but I don’t think I’m ready. It’s not that I don’t love him, I’m just not ready for sex and he is. How do I handle this?


 Not Ready


Dear Not Ready,

Your situation is one many young women struggle with. They are trying to figure out how they feel about their guy, what their relationship is, and where it might go. For most, it’s not just about whether or not to have sex; it’s about who they are and who they want to be. It’s about not only the present, but also the future. As they sit and talk about their questions and what they are thinking and feeling, it’s amazing how they find the answers as they talk it out.

So, let’s talk. We’re not holding back on this because it’s an important topic and we think you alone should make this decision for you. Here are a few questions for you to think about.

What’s the status of your relationship in general?

You mentioned that you’ve been dating for several months, but how long you’ve been in a relationship isn’t a gage on how serious the relationship is. There are several things to factor in as you evaluate your relationship. Things like the level of trust, how well you communicate, and a respect for each other are better measurements of the status of a relationship that time passed. As for sex, well that doesn’t necessary make for a deeper, more intimate relationship either. Sure, sexual intimacy, in the right context, can strengthen a relationship. But if you engage in sex too early it can also do considerable harm to your relationship. Physical intimacy can replace emotional intimacy, stunting the growth of the relationship and causing a great deal of pain and frustration as a result of unmet expectations.

Have you clearly communicated your boundaries?

Does he know how you feel and where your comfort zone ends? Sometimes you just have to be blunt and let him know what you are comfortable with, just tell him you’re not ready for sex. It’s always best to have this conversation and set your boundaries before you are in a situation where they are being pushed. Let him know where you stand and what will happen if he pushes you. What is his reaction? Sure he might say all the right things, but what does he do? Is he respectful, staying clear of those boundaries, or does he keep pushing to see how close he can get, or if he can get past them? You’ll be amazed how much more respect you’ll have for your guy when he knows your limits and doesn’t push the boundaries.

Is he manipulating you to guilt you into sex?

“I love you so much, and if you love me as much as I love you, you’d want to have sex.” If he says anything that remotely resembles that sentence it’s probably time to start rethinking this relationship. If he loved you as much as he says he does, he would respect the boundaries you have set. Clearly that’s not the case and he just demonstrated he cares way more about himself than you. You deserve someone who puts you first.

Are you afraid he will leave or cheat?

If the thought that he might break up with you if you don’t have sex has crossed your mind, you’re not alone. Many women worry that if they don’t give in and have sex the guy will leave, or worse cheat on her. If this is something that you’re worried about, than you may want to revisit our first question about the status of the relationship. This is a sign of a lack of trust and respect for your boundaries

Do you need to end the relationship?

If he keeps pushing after you’ve been clear you’re not ready for sex it may be time to end things. You may realize he doesn’t respect you and is more concerned with his physical needs than your emotional needs and decide to break up. He may realize that he’s not going to get what he wants and he may end it. After several months together, no matter how it ends it will hurt. But hopefully you can take some comfort in knowing that ending it now is a lot less painful than being in a long term relationship with someone who doesn’t respect and honor you, and who constantly pushes you to do things you’re not ready for.

Do you need someone to talk this through with?

If you’re in this situation and want to talk with someone, we’d love to invite you to come to Collage and meet with one of our staff. They will help you work through these and any other questions you may have. In the end, our goal is to help you make the best decision for you, not what someone else wants for you. Because in the end, the decision whether or not to have sex should always be yours.

There are 34 comments .

Annah —

I love my boyfriend and he want to have sex with me but I’m not ready,we are both in grade 12.So I’m afraid to lose him,we have 4 years dating. Please help me I don’t want to lose him!

Reply »

    Hi Annah,
    It says so much about you that reached out to us with your question! Good job listening to that voice inside! Now, just keep listening to it. It’s telling you that you’re not ready, and that’s ok!!! If your boyfriend truly loves you, he’ll wait, because that’s what love does. You deserve someone who will love you for you, not for what you’ll do for him!!

    Take a look at these other blogs. I think they’ll reinforce what you’re already thinking deep down inside… and

    Annah, there’s no way to know if you’ll lose him, even if you do have sex. You have to do what’s best for YOU!! You have such incredible value and worth! Wait for that special guy who will see that and respect you.

    Don’t give up! We believe in you!!

    Reply »
Aakira —

Hye I am not ready to do sex with my bf but when 1st tym he ask me for doing sex I refuse but from.that tym he start convincing me and 1 day I said that ok I will but I really so afraid I am not ready then I start giving excuse to him then he said if u re not ready then u should say no early for this but I say yes because he said everything depends on u whatever I do is ony for your happiness u even not do this for me I really sp depressed what I do know

Reply »

    Hi Aakira,
    Thanks for writing! I think it’s great that you and your boyfriend are taking time to talk about the subject of sex and thinking about how this might affect your future.

    It sounds to me like you may not be ready for this step in your relationship yet, and that’s ok! Before having sex with anyone, I’d suggest waiting until you’ve taken plenty of time to build both trust and commitment with the right person. Trust can be built over a long period of time in a mutually monogamous relationship — where the focus is less on physical intimacy and more on building a healthy foundation of love, respect and friendship. Hopefully, when the “right one” comes along, you’ll be able to see a future with him and will know when you’re fully ready to be in that kind of intimate relationship. Sex is an incredible gift, and it’s helpful to build a great friendship first, to see if you both have the same dreams & goals before you decide if the two of you will stand the test of time.

    You’re SO valuable Aakira! And your happiness really does matter. So I’d encourage you to make sure that you’re 100% ready to have sex before you give yourself to another person in that way. When the time is right, it shouldn’t take any convincing, shouldn’t involve fear, and should contain no pressure, or regret. Make decisions today that you can be proud of. Make choices that will protect you not only physically, but also emotionally, relationally and even spiritually. After all, the decisions you make today will determine your future. Any guy worth keeping around will love and respect you enough to honor your boundaries and wait.

    Don’t forget! You deserve the best!

    Client Advocate

    Reply »
Becky —

Iam Becky and my boyfriend wants us to have a kid and i feel that am not ready yet. I love him so much .I don wanna lose him .What will i do.Should i let him go?

Reply »

    Hi Becky, thanks so much for taking the time to write us! Having children is a big deal and I’m proud of you for taking time to slow down enough to consider your future and potential realities involved with starting a family. I actually have five kids myself and they’re wonderful, but I also know how much time, energy, sacrifice, and commitment it takes to raise them. So I’d encourage you to invest some time and start talking with your boyfriend about your future, in order to see if you’re both headed in the same direction.

    A healthy relationship is built on friendship, trust, honor, and dedication. It’s something that’s made strong over the years and should stand the test of time. Relationships take a lot of work and communication. It’s important to talk through your dreams and goals together. Where will we be in 5 years? How about 10 years? I believe any guy worth keeping around will be willing to respect your desire to wait to have kids until the time is right for both of you.

    A healthy relationship is also where both people are pushing the other to be better versions of themselves, rather than asking them to give up a piece of who they are. In order to love someone well, you must be willing to respect their boundaries and protect their heart. If your boyfriend is able to do this, then waiting to start a family will be as natural as waiting for any other major decision in life, like when to buy a home, or start a new career. But if he’s unable (or unwilling) to value your choices, then it might be best to consider moving on from the relationship and let him go. I know that sounds difficult, but it’s better to find out these things early on, rather than investing many years together, only to find out you’re heading in different directions.

    So I hope that helps. You’re wise to consider these things and talk about them early on in your romantic relationship, so good job! Good luck…I wish you the very best for your future!


    Reply »
Grace —

I’m dating someone without the label and we have a three year age difference. Hence why we’re not official. We’ve only been “dating” for s few days and hes already back tracked and called me his girlfriend, I’m confused as to where we stand in the relationship! We have a long distance relationship and on a phone call he wanted to be sexual, but in all honesty he’s moving way too fast than what Im ready for. He’s already lost his virginity yet I haven’t so I’m afraid it will mean a lot less to him then it will to me.

Reply »

    Hi Grace,
    We’re so glad you care enough about yourself to reach out for a little support! We can tell that you’re a bright girl who really wants what’s best for yourself. So even though it’s hard, listen to that voice inside you! It sounds like that voice is telling you that you want someone who won’t push you into something you’re not ready for and who will love you the way you want to be loved. And you absolutely deserve that Grace! The most meaningful relationships are those with mutual respect and a deep amount of trust. That takes time to develop. If he really does love you and want to build a relationship with you, he won’t allow you to be confused with where you stand with him. If he doesn’t, then you get the opportunity to invest in another relationship with someone who will. We think you’re awesome!!

    Reply »
Jenna —

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months. We’re both 15 years old, and we’ve known each other for 1 year. Before we dated and even now, we were and are best friends. He’s easy to talk to and I haven’t been this happy in awhile. I really like him and really like being with him, and I value our time together. Lately though, we’ve been engaging in some sexual things, but haven’t had intercourse. And at times, I don’t really want to do these sexual things with him. He almost acts like a different person, and I had even told him before that I want to do these things with him, but not all the time. He had respected that and i thought things would be a little different, but he still did some things like that to me, even when I had said I was tired. When I had said wait, he stopped, and I know he isn’t trying to take advantage of me, but since I’m quite new to these types of things, I feel I’m not ready and that these things are being a little rushed in our relationship. I’m scared if I tell him this, he might get bored with me and leave me. My question is, does it mean I don’t like him if I don’t want to do these sexual things with him? And what should I say to him to let him know I’m not ready for these things without hurting his feelings?

Reply »

    Hi Jenna,

    Thanks so much for reaching out with your questions. You did a great job of explaining your feelings and your situation.

    I wish I could sit down with you face-to-face and tell you how incredible you are!!! It’s really thoughtful of you not to want to hurt your boyfriend’s feelings, but, bottom line, he’s responsible for his feelings, not you. You have absolutely every right in the world to tell him what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. You deserve someone who will respect you for who you are, not what you’ll do. Healthy relationships have boundaries and that doesn’t mean you don’t like him. It means that you respect yourself enough to want what’s best for you!

    Here are a couple links to other blogs that might help you see how incredibly valuable you are and how importance it is for you to listen to that voice inside you!

    You’re doing great girl! I believe in you!!


    Reply »
Lisa —

Hai there!

My name is lisa and my boyfriend and i have been dating for around 5 months now. I told him that i want to have sex only when im married but he keeps saying how he’s hurting everyday because of it which, is making me very guilty. However he does not want to leave me either. If i leave we would both get hurt, if i stay he said he would get hurt and that i would have to live with the hurt for 2 years. (2 years meaning till our graduation.. he does not want long distance so we are ending it). I really dont want to lose him but i dont want to hurt him either because i would not have sex. Is this really my fault? i really do love him but he keeps on saying that he has needs and that i dont love him enough because i wouldnt do it. Im so confused and frustrated and sad i dont know what to do. Please help me

Reply »

    Hi Lisa,

    We love your heart in that you don’t want to hurt your boyfriend. Our hearts hurt for you that you’re having to walk through this. It’s never easy, BUT, there is a way through it and that’s to respect and love YOURSELF enough to stand by your convictions. He may have needs, but YOU have needs as well and it sounds like you want to be loved for who you are and not what you’ll do. If he really does care about you, he’ll wait. If not, he’s not the guy you deserve. You deserve more. The best relationships, those that stand the test of time and storms, are those that are based on mutual trust, respect, patience and self-control.

    And please know, you’re not alone in your struggle. Lots of girls feel the same pressure, in fact, if you haven’t already, take a look and the questions and answers on this blog. Our hope is that they would strengthen and encourage you as well. Don’t give up Lisa! We can tell you’re an incredible girl and have huge potential!


    Reply »
Diamond —

Hi,i’m Diamond and i would like a little advice.My bf is 3 years older than me.He is sweet and nice.We have been dating since July 11,2018.He has already told me he love me.He is really sweet.One day we were on the phone and he said he sees me in his future.He told me that if my mom didn’t approve he would wait for me.I was my BFF house and she asked me how many kids i wanted.He was on the phone with me at the time.I said 0.He said i want a boy/girl/twins.I said by who?He said you.He recently went thru some tough stuff with an ex and he has trust issues.But he is a virgin and i am also a virgin.He said he could’ve been lost it.I asked him why he didn’t he said i wanted to loose it to another virgin.Then he said my gf(reffering to me)is a virgin soo…I said o ion plan on having sex till like 28.Then he went on about how he was finna tell me about sex.I didn’t want to hear it.I felt like it was gross and nasty.He wasn’t rushing me or anything.He told me well whenever u feel comfortable u can do what u want.He said because it’s your body.I want to be a vet and go to auburn i wanna finish school with at least a 3.85 GPA.I already knoe where i want to live when i leave college.The job i will have will be able to pay for my big dream house i did all the research and math for the money.I want to be successful in life.You knoe not having to ask anybody for anything i would be set.All Im wondering is…is he going to help me in life or bring me down.

Reply »

    Hi Diamond,
    We’re so glad you care enough about yourself to reach out for a little advice! We can tell that you’re a bright girl who really has lots of hopes and dreams for herself. I know it can be confusing at times but listen to that voice inside you! It sounds like that voice is telling you that you want someone who won’t push you into something you’re not ready for and who will love you the way you want to be loved. The best way to know if your boyfriend will help you reach your goals or bring you down is to develop a deep mutual respect that’s based on emotional intimacy, rather than physical intimacy. That takes time to develop. If he really does love you and want to build a relationship with you, he’ll stand by your convictions and push you to be the best version of you! If he doesn’t, then you get the opportunity to invest in another relationship with someone who will. And just so you know, we’re an animal loving team and we think anybody who wants to be a vet is totally awesome! Keep Dreaming Big girl 🙂

    Reply »
Kgothatso —

Hey,I’m 16 and my boyfriend is 20 and for the past few days we have talking about having sex but I don’t feel ready to be I itmate with. He goes on about the fact that we both want this but I mean we have been together for w months and I don’t know that much abput him,I have trust issues and my last boyfriend left me a few days after we had sex….please help me in trying to make my boyfriend understand the fact that I mayhave “popped the cherry” but I’m not ready to go down there with him

Reply »

    You are one discerning gal! I’m glad you reached out to us.

    I first want to say that I’m really sorry you got hurt by your last boyfriend. I know that kind of betrayal really hurts. In any relationship, you deserve a guy who wants to honor your desires. And in case you don’t realize it, you’re putting value on yourself and your relationship when you ask your boyfriend to wait. And that’s a good thing!! If you’re not ready to take this step, that’s OK!!

    Before having sex with anyone again, I’d suggest waiting until you’ve taken plenty of time to build both trust and commitment with the right person. Trust can be built over a long period of time in a mutually monogamous relationship — where the focus is less on physical intimacy and more on building a healthy foundation of love, respect and friendship. Hopefully, when the “right one” comes along, you’ll be able to see a future with him and will know when you’re fully ready to be in that kind of intimate relationship. It’s helpful to build a great friendship first, to see if you both have the same dreams & goals before you decide if the two of you will stand the test of time.

    You’re SO valuable! And your happiness really does matter! Make sure that you’re 100% ready to have sex before you give yourself to another person in that way. When the time is right, it shouldn’t take any convincing, shouldn’t involve fear, and should contain no pressure, or regret. Make decisions today that you can be proud of tomorrow. Make choices that will protect you, not only physically, but also emotionally, relationally and even spiritually. After all, the decisions you make today will determine your future. Any guy worth keeping around will love and respect you enough to honor your boundaries and wait.

    Don’t forget! You deserve the best!

    Reply »
Celeste —

Hello. Im 20 years old and I am not ready to have sex yet. I just got into my first relationship with a guy. We havent even been dating a month (talked for 2 months) and sex has already been brought up. Hes not a virgin (has only had sex once). I have told him that I am not ready yet and wont know when ill be (bc I really dont) but I had brought up the idea that what if we were 6 months down the line and we still have yet to do anything how would he react and he said he’d be fine with it but a little annoyed (which I guess is understandable). Sex is something that I dont take lightly and its not like im not comfortable with him because I am. Im also nervous and hesitant to do other things with him and idk how to tell him. I dont know what to do or say because every time I try to I feel like I sound stupid and selfish. Any advice?

Reply »

    Hi Celeste,

    We’re so glad you contacted us! Getting advice and feedback is important, especially when it involves something that’s significant to you. We want you to know that we think you’re pretty awesome – and pretty smart too, because like you said, sex isn’t something to take lightly.

    After we received your question, along with a couple others, we realized this is something that a lot of girls are dealing with so we decided to write a blog about it. We hope it will help you to realize that you’re not being selfish by setting boundaries for yourself. You deserve the best possible future and we believe you can get there!

    Reply »
Veronica —

So I’m kind of in a dilemma and I have no one to talk to about it. My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 8 months and everything’s going very well except…. sex. He asked me at first and I said I’d prefer to wait till marriage however I realized he thought the idea was stupid when he kept trying to talk me into it… until I finally said okay we’ll try. When we try for some reason we can’t and he always ends up blaming me for pushing away which might be true but I don’t know why I do that, I’m just scared and it hurts a lot. This has happened so many times and I always get yelled at for being my fault. I feel especially sad right now because he told me why can’t you just give me what I want… that’s all I’m asking you for and I don’t know why he doesn’t understand that I need time and I don’t know what to do he’s mad because I cry about it but I wish he knew that I’ve been going out of my comfort zone for him… what should I do?

Reply »

    Hi Veronica,

    Thanks for contacting us! We’re so glad you felt like you could talk to us about what’s going on.

    Your feelings are real and you don’t have to apologize to anyone for them. You deserve someone who will respect you for who you are and not what you’ll do for him. If you want to wait until you get married, you go girl! That’s awesome! I would venture to guess that you won’t regret that decision. And absolutely no one has the right to force himself on you so you feel like you have to push him away. That’s actually abusive because he’s going against your will. It could even be viewed as rape.

    So, take a deep breath, and take a fresh look at your relationship. If he can’t respect your boundaries then you have every right to totally call off the relationship. Compromising in this area isn’t like compromising on pizza toppings. The consequences are so much greater. You deserve the best Veronica and we believe that you’re worth it! Here’s a link to another blog that we just wrote that hopefully will help you too. As it says, keep listening to that inner voice! We think yours is pretty smart 🙂

    Reply »
Anonymous —


So I have been dating this guy that has always wanted me since high school, just recently graduated from varsity, I never took him seriously back then but now I realized that he was serious… he treats me like a queen, does what ever I want, his family knows me, I know his future plans, he includes me in everything he does, we love each other ..,,we are in a long distance relationship, 3 months into the relationship I went to visit him and I made it clear that I was not ready to sleep with him( was still a Virgin), he forced it and tried having sex with me, I tried telling him that I didn’t want to, to such a point that I fought him and when I left I was in so much pain because he was stretching my legs and I was not used to it, he eventually stopped because I cried he just did some foreplay and tried to penetrate but never did.. the relationship went on but we used to fight a lot over the other phone and he continued telling me that he wanted to sleep with me but I told him I am not ready . he then understood

So towards December we started fighting a lot and I decided to leave him… I then got into a another relationship towards the end of December with this other guy he was 7years older than me and I was really attracted to him rand I was willing to do anything he wanted(somehow I was blinded by love and not using my common sense, let me rather say it was a fling)… so the new guy made moves and. Told me that he wanted to sleep me and I felt like I was ready to sleep with him. One day I went to his place and we tried but it never worked just did forplay… I was in pain so he stopped… after that things started going south and it never worked… I felt so dumb and stupid thinking of the fact that I almost slept with him because I eventually found out that he was lying to me and that really broke my heart

Then just a month I got back with my ex boyfriend and we’ve together since and I told him what happened in December( and felt so bad that I almost lost my virginity to a guy I had been dating for 2 weeks instead of him whom I have been dating for almost 9 months))and since we back together it’s still a long distance relationship… he started singing the same song again that he wanted to sleep with me and I still felt the same way I was not ready…. one time he came to visit me and he told me that he wanted to sleep with me I told him no. He again forced me to a point he even had my hands bound because I was fighting him off me… I never enjoyed what he was doing… he said that he dated me the previous year and he understood that I was not ready but just now in December after dating a guy for two weeks I already lost my virginity to me…how come he has to wait.

He told me there was no way… he fought me he eventually penetrated inside and he said it’s done he broke my virginity .. I think he penetrated for like 5 times because I was fighting him… I felt so helpless I didn’t know what to do… I was just crying the whole night because I never wanted to have sex with him and I didn’t want to be rude and leave because he had came all the way to see me

I don’t know how I feel towards him just knowing that he is violent towards me if I don’t do want he wants… Our relationship is okay,, he treats me like a queen, does everything I want, introduced me to his family, I know his future plans, he includes me in everything he does, asks for my opinion in everything he does but I am still not sure about him… growing up I was hurt a lot in such a way that I find it very difficult to trust ppl and even though he does all this things to show that he loves me… I love him but I am still not ready and he wants to see me soon and I know he’ll want to sleep with me and now I am scared to go coz I know helm force me again because the last time he said if I don’t sleep with him this time it means I don’t love him

I really don’t want to lose him… I don’t know what to do

Reply »

    Hello Anonymous,

    Our hearts break for you after hearing what you’ve walked through with someone you care about. This is something that no one should ever have to experience especially by someone who says they love you.

    Sometimes, we can confuse what love really is though. Love is not a feeling (though it really does make you feel good when someone treats you like a queen). Love is a commitment. Love is patient, kind and puts the interests of the one you care deeply about first. If someone truly loves you, they wouldn’t ask you to do something that goes against your convictions, let alone force it upon you.

    It’s apparent by what you’ve shared that you clearly were not ready to have sex with your boyfriend and it was not consensual. No one deserves to be taken advantage of like this. This really is the definition of rape and you have the right to report him to authorities. I’m also hearing you say that you are scared to be around him not knowing if he’ll try this again. I’d encourage you to listen to your heart and consider keeping your distance until you are at peace about things and think through what is best for you in this relationship.

    I think it’s commendable that you were honest with him about your “fling”. Honesty is SO important in a relationship. However, how he reacted to you and then forcing himself on you again sure raises a lot of red flags (in my opinion). I really do hope that in your heart it causes you to question if he’s really the right person for you to be with.

    Sometimes our judgment can be clouded and we will allow things that aren’t right because of our feelings for someone. You deserve to be loved for you are on the inside, not for what you will do for someone physically. Don’t settle for anything less than that.

    I hope this helps you in some way.

    A Collage Team Member

    Reply »
anna tm —

hi! i’m 18 years old and me and my bf have been dating for 5 years. We got physical many times, but everytime i had intercourse , i always got my period late due to fear of getting pregnant. Since then i’ve been feeling guilty about having sex. i always thought that if i didn’t had sex the first time i wouldn’t have been regretting now(thankful not pregnant). every time he asked for sex i have told my bf that i’m not ready . but he still brings the same thing again and again. he says to trust him. what should i do?

Reply »

    I’m so glad you reached out to us Anna! It sounds like you’re really struggling with the decision you made to be sexually active with your bf.

    Regret can be a powerful emotion. If having sex causes fear, regret, and guilt, maybe it’s best to rethink your choices going forward. I’d encourage you to pay attention to the emotions that your decision caused you to feel and take that as a red flag. It’s ok if you’re not ready to have sex. There are potential consequences that go along with sexual activity outside of a lifelong monogamous relationship that can be life-altering such as STD’s, pregnancy and even emotional/relational consequences.

    Communicate how you’re feeling with your boyfriend and tell him you need him to respect how you feel. Be clear with what your boundaries are. If he continues to pressure you or attempts to manipulate you (If you really love me, you’ll have sex with me. I need this; and if you love me, you’ll give me what I need.), then he isn’t respecting you. If he really loves you, he won’t pressure you to do something that you aren’t ready to do. If he does keep pushing, it might be time to consider if he’s the right guy for you. You deserve a healthy relationship built on trust and mutual respect. You’ll never regret making choices that lead to that!

    If you haven’t already, take a look at the questions following the blog from others and you will see that you’re not alone in this situation. I hope this gives you strength and courage. Don’t give up Anna. You’re worth the wait!

    Reply »
Name —

I am 16 female. My boyfriend is 18. We have been dating for several months. We want a future together but taking things slow and not rushing anything. We does want to do sexual things but never pushes and says whenever I am ready. I have been sexually abused before and have trust issues from that. I love him and he says he can wait for however long I need. But I can’t help think that eventually he will get frustrated and disappointed by waiting too long. What can I do to make sure that doesn’t happen and he is happy and stays?

Reply »

    Hi! Thanks for asking such an important question!

    First of all, I’m so sorry for the sexual abuse that you have experienced. It’s wrong anytime someone violates you! Sexual trauma is complex, highly individual, and can take lots of time to heal. Second, because you mentioned that you have trust issues from what has happened to you I wonder if you have sought out help? Someone who is experienced working with individuals who have experienced sexual abuse can help walk you through healing and provide vital support? You may not feel ready or able to talk about your experience but it would be an important part of healing for you to consider when you’re ready. Telling someone what you’ve experienced gives you a chance to be heard, validated and understood.

    If your boyfriend really loves you he will not push you to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. I applaud you for wanting to make sure you’re ready. This shows maturity on your part. Healthy relationships are built on trust and time is needed to build that trust. There are so many other ways to build intimacy in your relationship so why not focus on those things. Here are some great ways to invest in your relationship: experience new things together (places, events, adventures), take walks together, learn how to communicate and ask each other questions (look up conversation starters), make dinner together, watch each other’s favorite movie, stargaze, take a class together, go on a picnic). Maybe this sounds old school to you, but just food for thought 😉

    So the bottom line is, if he does get unhappy and leaves because you’re not ready to be sexually active, that’s alright. You’re smart to want to wait until you’re ready and if he begins to pressure you then he’s not valuing you. You want the man of your dreams to cherish YOU and how you feel.


    Reply »
Mollie —

hey there, im mollie and im 16yrs old female. me and my boyfriend (16 too) have been dating for 5 months or so, and the last time we saw each other, he said he’s wondering if being sexually intimate is every going to happen. this really affected me as im not sure if i want to go to stages like oral. etc. we do make-out and do some sexual things, but nothing too far. anyway, i realized that I’ve got a lot to juggle, and that having a boyfriend only adds onto the pressures. i feel like im not ready for the risk of being hurt and opening up and trusting him fully. i do want to be with him, desperately, and we just went on a break (about 5 days ago) for me to solve everything out (work, school etc). its not that i don’t want to be intimate, because i do; but im not sure if i want to be completely vulnerable and risk the chance of being hurt much more than i’d be now. but i know that it will hurt much more if i let him go and he finds someone else. im fighting between both sides but im leaning more towards taking the risk and being vulnerable to him, and trusting him and loving him.
i dont want to walk away from this relationship with this lesson that im not ready, because i wont accept that. i want to walk away from my relationship with him knowing that there’s something good i can take into my next relationship.

what do i do? im fighting between spending the time that i have with him, and getting the most out of it (but being hurt more) or leaving now and focusing on my schoolwork, but not enjoying my time while im young but not be emotionally hurt.

please help me 🙂

Reply »

    Hi Mollie! Thanks for reaching out to us.

    It sounds like you’re really struggling with what’s best for YOU right now. Typically the easiest form of expression in a relationship is sexual. As a result, we tend to bypass the more difficult work of verbal communication, conflict resolution, learning each other’s family history, and talking about dreams/goals. Our encouragement to you is to work toward the things that will mean the most to you over the long haul.

    Healthy relationships are built on trust over time. It’s ok to take your time with the progression of intimacy in your relationship. If you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed by the pace of your relationship then I’d take that as a red flag. A healthy relationship is also where both people are pushing the other to be better versions of themselves, rather than asking them to give up a piece of who they are. In order to love someone well, you must be willing to respect their boundaries and protect their heart.

    This might sound old fashion, but waiting to have sex until you’re in a monogamous relationship, like marriage, can give you that peace of mind. In the commitment of marriage, you have the best chance of being able to express yourself sexually without the threat of being dumped or having to worry about getting an STI. Getting pregnant would be way less stressful too.

    You deserve the best – not just now but in the future too!

    Reply »
Kris —

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for two years
The problem is my boyfriend want to have sex with me 4times in a month . I don’t want to have sex 4times within 4weeks(a month) since we’re just couple and we haven’t marry yet. I said I don’t want to have sex that much since we are just couple and college students. I want to keep my body fit,healthier for my future and my values too. I said him to wait for my degree to have that. But he refused to take this deal. He only just want 4times sex in a month. He can’t reduce anymore for that. Since i refuse to have sex with him, he break up with me. But I really love him and I don’t want to away from him. Besides, I can’t deal with his request too. What should I do now ?! Should I allow him since I love him so much ?! Or not ?!

P.S sorry my english is not very well

Reply »

    Hi Kris!

    My heart goes out to you. For him to break up after dating for 2 years has to have crushed you. I’m so sorry!

    I applaud you for communicating your boundaries to him. It sounds like he is more interested in what he wants and not what is best for you. So you have to ask yourself, is that the kind of man that you want to give yourself to. Or do you want someone who wants to cherish you, value you, respect you, and love you for who you are on the inside, not just what you’ll do for him?

    You deserve the absolute best Kris! Never doubt that!

    Reply »
Mia —

Hi, I’m Mia.
I’m 17 years old and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 months (he is 18) – Just looking for some advise on whether I’m ready to have sex… What’s lovely about our relationship is that we are both virgins, and are both equally new to sexual activity, meaning there’s no ‘expectations’. In the last month or so, our relationship has been taken to the next level physically, and we’ve pretty much encountered everything sexually with each other, other than intercourse itself. When I’m alone with him, I can tell we both feel very ready to have sex. We both love and respect each other and we’ve been comfortable enough to admit to one another that this is on our mind now. And we’ve spoken about contraception. I have been using contraception (the combined pill) for the last month just to be ready in advance and see what works for me, and I’ve read so many “How to know if I’m ready for sex” articles online and they all seem to infer that I am ready for sex due to how I answer the questions in my head… BASICALLY everything in my relationship is all set up and ready for sex. However…. the reason I’m asking for advise is because some days I sit in my room and have lots of doubts, and feel very nervous and worried, and I value myself enough that I DESPERATELY don’t want to rush into anything, because I’m still a kid like I’m doing my A Levels..what’s the rush? Advice would be lovely x

Reply »

    Listen to yourself talk girl! If you’re having “lots of doubts, and feel very nervous and worried,” you absolutely should value yourself enough not to rush into anything. Just imagine how much lovelier your relationship could be if you took the time to develop it on an emotional level, not just physical. Those relationships are the ones that weather the storms of life. If you “DESPERATELY don’t want to rush into anything,” then don’t! There’s too much at stake and you deserve the very BEST!

    Reply »
Katie —

Hi, I’m Katie,
I know I’m a little bit old to worry about losing my virnginity. I’m 23 yo and my boyfriend is 21yo. We are in a long distance relationship but we haven’t had sex yet. We’ve been dating for 5 months, and I know him for 11 months. He have had sex several times before with his past 3 girlfriends, plus 6 or 7 one night stands when he was partying and drunk for a whole year.
The first time he traveled to visit me for a week in january we’ve been making out but no penetration. I told him I wasn’t ready yet to have sex. He seemed to understand and he told me that he would wait until I was ready.
The second time, in march, I wasn’t ready neither but I accepted because he wanted to do it. But it didn’t work. I was nervous and he couldn’t penetrate me because I told him I was feeling a lot of pain. He could not even instert a finger without me feeling pain. The rest of that week he acted off and he looked dissapointed and he didn’t want to make out again because he wondered what was the point of making out if sex wasn’t going to happen.
One day while we were on the phone, he told me how much time he had to wait until I was ready, because it seemed like I didn’t love him enough. I told him it was because I needed more time to develop trust. And he replied something that hurted me. He said that it was incredible that the girls he had casual sex with showed him more love and affection in one night than his own girlfriend in 5 months. I explain him that I loved him and I showed him my love in different ways (hugs, kisses, texting him, visit him, caring about him) but I was afraid of the emotional and physical pain of losing my virginity.
He said he understands but he sounded like he was mad. He also said that before me he had a rule about sex. If girls doesn’t have sex with him before certain time limit, he would dump them. But he said he was making an exception with me.
Now I can’t help but feeeling pressured that next month I’m going to visit him I need to have sex with him. Sometimes I feel like I’m ready but sometimes I feel anxious about it, I just don’t want to feel used or to be another girl he had sex with after he acted disappointed and off because we couldn’t have sex.
Please, send me some advice.

Reply »

    Hi Katie.

    I’m so glad you reached out to us.

    First of all, I don’t think you’re too old to worry about losing your virginity. Giving yourself to someone else is a gift that should not be taken lightly. I think you are wise to guard the gift of your sexuality. To be honest, your boyfriend has an incorrect view of what love is. Casual sex is NOT love. Love doesn’t take from another, it seeks to give. As an outsider reading your e-mail, it seems that your boyfriend is trying to pressure you into having sex and willing to dump you if you don’t give it to him. Is this really putting your desires and concerns ahead of his own pleasure? Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, honesty, and support. Maybe you should ask yourself if your relationship is aligning with these healthy qualities. If he’s willing to disregard your feelings, opinions, and desires in this one situation, which IS a big deal, won’t he be willing to do so in the future?

    Thank you for your vulnerability Katie. You deserve the very best!

    Reply »

Share Your Thoughts!

Contact Information

At Collage, we’ve experienced the restoration of beauty in our own lives, and that compels us to help others seek the beauty within them.

Don’t ever hesitate to contact us.

Kearney Office
3000 2nd Avenue Suite 100
Kearney, NE 68847

  • (308) 234-9880
  • Grand Island Office
    822 N. Diers Ave.
    Grand Island, NE 68803

  • (308) 675-2217
  • Donate
    Copyright ©2019. All Rights Reserved. | Powered by web design kearney, ne