Dear Collage,

My boyfriend and I have been dating a while, and he wants to have sex. I’m not sure I want to, but he keeps mentioning it. He says I’m not able to give him what he wants, but I’m so scared. I feel like I sound stupid or selfish. And I’m worried because he’s so annoyed with me. Help.

If this letter describes you and your situation, we want you to know first and foremost that you aren’t stupid or selfish. You’re confused and scared, and those are normal things to feel when considering having sex for the first time (or for the first time with a new person). And it isn’t selfish to set and maintain boundaries for yourself.

Next, the decision to have sex is a big decision! And it’s a decision you get to make for yourself. Only you can know when you’re ready.

How will you know when you’re ready for sex?

Well, there are a lot of things to consider to determine whether you’re ready for sex or not.

Do you feel pressured?

If the main motivation is pressure from a boyfriend, then it’s not the right time for you to have sex. You deserve to have your boundaries respected. If you’ve said you aren’t ready and your partner is pressuring you, then your partner isn’t respecting your boundaries.

What’s your inner voice say?

If you have any doubt at all about whether you’re ready, you aren’t ready. And that’s OK. Listen to your inner voice. You have the rest of your life to have sex. There’s no reason to rush into it. Give yourself time. Know your own values. Know your own needs. Know your own boundaries. Anyone who truly loves you will respect that.

Have you talked about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) and pregnancy?

If you can’t communicate about sex openly and honestly, then you’re definitely not ready to actually have sex. Before you have sex, you owe it to yourself to talk about preventing pregnancy and STDs. And remember hormonal birth control may be effective at preventing pregnancy, but it won’t prevent the spread of STDs. The only sure way to prevent STDs is to only have sex in a mutually monogamous relationship with someone who doesn’t have an STD (which means you both only ever have any kind of sex with each other).

Where are you in your relationship?

And we don’t only mean how long have you been dating. How much do you know about each other? How emotionally intimate are you? Do you feel completely comfortable with each other. Sometimes physical intimacy is easier than emotional intimacy. And sometimes becoming physically intimate before you’re emotionally intimate can cause bigger problems.

It’s really complicated if your boyfriend wants to have sex and you don’t. It can feel like you’re the one messing things up. But you deserve to wait until you’re completely ready. And if you’re not sure you’re ready, that means you’re not ready.

Talk to your boyfriend about this when you’re not in the heat of the moment. Explain your boundaries and tell him you need for him to respect those. If he continues to pressure you or attempts to manipulate you (If you really love me, you’ll have sex with me. I need this; and if you love me, you’ll give me what I need.), then he isn’t respecting you. That means you may have bigger issues in your relationship — and not having sex with this guy has saved you even more heartache. Because if your boyfriend truly loves you, he will not pressure you to violate your own standards or your own inner voice. He will respect you and wait until you’re both ready.

If you need to talk some more, we’re here for you. We want to support you in your right to decide when you’re ready. Call us and schedule a time to come in and talk to one of our staff members.